i just come home from our festive activities at your place. together with l. and n.
It was a rather funny thing to do , we did things together on our own. which remindes me on a book titel " zusammen ist man weniger allein" of anna gavalda.
but sometimes i have to admit i even feel alone among the people i really care about. so some confession, today i felt inside as grey as it was outside. which makes me feel a very unlovabel person. and i get all tensed and closed, and don't enjoy my own company... which makes me feel incredible guilty to acompany other people. because usually i like to show my more embracing side.
there is stress in every little bone and fibre in my body, i have neck pain and abolutely no appetite. i don't know why...
to be honest i don't even wonder about it, because it always happens at this time in the year.
it's my master year and i start to be realy unsure if i choose the right way for me. if i should be an artist. in away it's in me and i just create things constantly in my minde. which includes the problem, my minde is this hughe space and there is just to little time in one day to do everything, besides i am not a genius in organising and i'm constantly tiered. and to be creative as a profession is extremly demanding, never a break, constantly aware that the inspiration can just disapear, never shure if ideas are strong enough, doubts; oh-so-manny doubts ...
maybe i just should have a little easy job to earn money, and do the creative stuff in my free time.
i also have the feeling again that i just want to disolve and disapear in my private little world in my head, and knowing that this is quite impossible... i want to travel to fare away countries. most people say you get closer to yourself when you travel, for me it's quite the opposite i loose myself and i enjoy that alot. losing fears, feeling strong, trying out how it would be to be a different person...
enough of ths wineness.
the message is greynes gets me, but than i have this storage of former adventures, travels adn stories ( you know i'm a story teller) which remind me of some other sides of me... like in the book " frederick of leo lionni, in which a litle mouse colectes, colours, sun rays and stories for the cold grey winter days...
conclusion, thank you that we can be alone together. and that we manage so often to remind each other of stories, sun rays, colours, smells and all.
let's hope the headaches and stomacpains will disapear soon, which will make that alot easier
kisses
s.
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